On facebook. I didn’t kill anyone or anything.
Actually calling it a cull is a bit much; I deleted, like, 7 people. Mainly for offences that are unforgivable. A lot of it is just filling my news feed with random bullshit that I don’t really care about, much less want to read further. And yes, I’m aware of the irony that you probably came to this blog through a facebook link, and that I myself am incredibly guilty of putting up random links to shit you might not care about so this blog might seem a bit rich coming from me. However, at least my shit is easily ignorable, and to be fair I don’t much care if people delete me. Below is a list of the aforementioned offences that cause you to get deleted.
Or un-friended.
1. Horoscopes
Signing up for these daily horoscopes so that you and you alone can see them is fine. Good for you. You can enjoy a daily dose of bullshit about what’s going to happen in your life and see it every day. However, just because you think its great doesn’t mean you should make it public and stick it on my news feed as well. I couldn’t give a monkey’s that you’re a Libra, and that Jupiter’s fourth moon has aligned with Omicron Persei 8 and therefore you’ll have an alright day today. I could have told you that you’ll have an alright day today. Statistically speaking most people have an alright day. Just most people don’t post it on facebook under the guise of cosmic fucking significance.
2. The ‘I’m so hungover’ update, or any other self pitying status
Well done, you went out last night. You got drunk. You’re really hungover this morning. I really don’t care. The next weekend: same status. The weekend after: same again. Repeat ad nauseam.
The same goes for any status looking for pity. If it’s something that worthy of pity you won’t post it on facebook; therefore it’s something that’s not bad enough to keep private but something you feel that just about bad enough that some of your more gullible, brown nosing facebook friends will comment upon making you feel better.
Status: So fed up. I hate my life.
Reply: Aw, what’s wrong, babe?
Me: Fuck off
3. Song lyrics as statuses
You think this makes you sound deep, do you? That you can quote a line of a song as if it sums up EXACTLY how you’re feeling. Well, whoop-de-bloody-do. Some other people go through the same sort of shit, but don’t feel compelled to quote a song lyric that someone else has written to convey their feelings. Instead do something different and channel your anger/sadness/pathetic existence and write something yourself. In fact the only time quoting song lyrics is appropriate is if you being incredibly literal and if you’ve set fire to the roof of the house of the person who has been fooling around with your mother - “The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire. We don’t need no water; let the motherfucker burn. Burn motherfucker, burn.”
The same applies for bible verses by the way.
4. Chain statuses
You know the type; repost this if you know someone who has been affected by ________. Why, exactly? Is it going to help somehow? Will it bring the dead back to life? Example - “Little Timmy has got stuck down a well. Repost this if you want to help.” I don’t want to help little Timmy. Mainly because little Timmy doesn’t exist, but if he did he’s got to be pretty fucking stupid if he thinks that a couple of thousand facebook statuses will pull his ass out of a well.
The other one that annoys are the ‘now that you’ve read this you will die, unless you post this on the walls of ten friends.’ If I get one of these from you, you are instantly deleted. Unless of course you’re the person that’s still waiting on your cheque from Bill Gates for that beta test many moons ago? In which case, we were never friends in the first place.
5. Ridiculous amounts of updates.
I post to facebook whenever I have something to share. Something that I think some folks might find funny. I don’t vomit every single thought I ever have onto all my friend news feeds. I have the forethought to think that they might not care that I just wrote on my hand with a black marker (“OMG, LOL I just wrote on my hand! In black permo marker! Wat a dumass!!!!111!) or that I accidentally started singing the song that I was listening to on my iPod a little too loudly for a public workspace. Both of these things did actually happen to me today, but you wouldn’t care about them if I put them on facebook so don’t presume that I’ll want to read your incessant 10 in an hour updates.
The worst, though, is during any kind of sporting event in which some of my (former) friends decided that they wanted to take over the commentary of the event. In text only. Seriously. Offering an opinion on every kick of the ball. I didn’t need to actually watch the game, just read this person’s constant updates over the 90 minutes.
6. Facebook games
Thankfully you don’t see it as much now, but every so often I still get the odd game request – ‘such and such has given you a wrench to use in Mafia Wars, if you give them 3000 Mafia points.’ What? I’ve never played Mafia Wars in my life. Or Farmville. Why do people presume that they can get me to play these things? And besides, as far as I can tell they’re only doing it so I can give them more points (or whatever) to fuel their own addiction to the blasted thing.
So you’ll get unfriended. I’m a facebook friend, not a bloody Farmville pimp.
7. Self congratulatory posts
The type of post that some people make after training or the gym or some other group activity. ‘Great session tonight lads’ - I don’t see the point of this sort of post. You were at the thing with the people you are supposedly typing this status to, so why didn’t you say that to their face at the thing that you were doing together? Unless…you want other people to hear that you had a great training session/gym workout/whatever, so that people know that that’s what you were doing, while the original poster remains vague and aloof enough to make it seem like they weren’t looking for validation in the first place. The same goes for posts that are so obviously designed to elicit a ‘oh, well done you’ response. Unless it’s something of an actual achievement you shall get no such praise from me.
So, in conclusion, I’m a great facebook friend and you should all add me. Just make sure that any random shit you post is funny. And not downright fucking insulting to my intelligence. At least that way it’s forgivable.
Do you want to end up in a future blog? DO YOU?
Cheers
JC
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